So I used to review movies on here before I realized nobody read my blog and nobody fucking cared. That was back in the day when the thought that someone might stumble upon my blog and go,”Hey! This guy is cool! I’m going to read all his shit and be moved by his prose!” still somehow seemed realistic. These days, nobody cares. Unless you’re buying traffic, you’re not going to get traffic. Unless you’re an actual author or something. I’m not. I know no one is reading this. I do it for my own edification. A place to spew my unending thoughts and opinions into the tubes of the internet so that some internet archeologist may find my random sputterings a millennia from now and go “Hey! This guy was stupid! I ain’t reading this shit!”
Anyway, movie reviews. There was one movie reviewer in my lifetime who I agreed with. Just one guy. Roger Ebert. I loved his reviews. He was super cool. I miss his weekly reviews very much. We rarely disagreed on things, mainly because he reviewed every film in the light that it was intended. Not every movie is meant as an Oscar contender and should not be reviewed with those that are. Anyway, even Rotten Tomatoes reviews leave something to be desired. I bring all this up because there are two movies currently out that I was very excited to see. One is Peppermint, with Jennifer Garner. The other, The Predator, with a bunch of no name actors. I made the mistake of looking at Rotten Tomatoes this weekend to see how the reviews stacked up. The critics universally despise both movies. It was disheartening. The audience gave Peppermint a decent rating but not the Predator. So I then had an issue. I was going to see one on Friday night and one on Saturday. The reviews so disheartened me, I skipped going on Friday. Instead I feel asleep on the sofa and drooled. Saturday, I said “Fuck it!” I’m going to go see Peppermint. And so I did. And it was glorious. I enjoyed every minute of the movie. Was it high cinema? No, absolutely not. In fact, the snotty reviewer that called it Gun Porn was probably pretty on target. But it was fun. It made me laugh and groan and have a good time. And that’s what I wanted. So, having now reassured myself that critics, both professional and non, can go suck a fat hairy donkey dick, I’m going to go see the Predator as well. Fucking hell. Stupid critics.
Oh, yeah, one word of caution. I have been told, repeatedly, that I have a super high tolerance for really bad movies. It’s like a super power. Anyway, don’t ever listen to me about whether a movie is good or not unless you know me really well. Because generally speaking, if you trust my movie reviews enough to go see a show, you’re going to hate me for lying to you and yourself for listening to some random lunatic on the internet.